- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
- LeBron’s Wild Hairline Fits Larry O’Brien Trophy … and a Chew Toy
- “Danny Farts Ball” Video Has 500K Views
- The Boston Globe Has Officially Stopped Giving A Shit
- Detroit Lions Take Sucking to An All New Level
- Sepp Blatter Resigns, Vince McMahon Rumored as Replacement
- Family Guy Called the Bruce Jenner “Situation” Quite Some Time Ago; Twice
- T.J. Miller Wins Hernia Immunity For 25 Years
Harrowing report surfaces from NBA All-Star game
- Updated: February 16, 2010
The following tidbits were fed to us from a Dallas beat reporter who, just moments ago, finally emerged from the far regions of Cowboys Stadium after covering the gluttonous 2010 NBA All-Star game.
– Of the record 108,713 who attended, 114 were actually able to locate the court inside the stadium.
– Spectators behind the West's bench saw baskets made on the north end of the arena a full two minutes before those sitting behind the East.
– TNT's Craig Sager, who was sent into the stands some time during the second quarter to get fans? take on the game, went missing for 2 days. If not for his special S.O.S. suit, rescuers at Section 794 Base Camp would not have seen him
– It took 17-year-old Forth Worth resident Mark Tamblor 25 minutes to get to his seat in the arena. Once he finally made it, he sat down and was rewarded with a view of one of Cowboys Stadium's lovely pillars.
– In a terrible mix-up, a father and son separately entered the wrong gates of the arena. Those two will never see each other again.
– The entire 2700 section ran out of complimentary Sherpas, stranding hundreds of gangrenous rubes in the walkways.
– In a typical empirical move, some fuckin Brit planted a Union Jack at the top of the last row. Jerry Jones promptly had him murdered.
– Midway through the third quarter, the Hubble Telescope ripped through the roof.
– Section 2905 consisted entirely of dead, frozen people, many of which still had their hands in their popcorn, nachos and barf bags.