Sports Hernia Blog

NBA Lottery: Just what will Mikhail Prokhorov do tonight?


Mikhail Prokhorov Tonight is Mikhail Prokhorov's first NBA draft lottery as owner of the New Jersey Nets.  We're expecting greatness, vodka, and probably an orgy or two.  Here's a look ahead at what will more than likely go down:

* Reiterates his statement that he's the only NBA owner who can dunk, all while staring directly at Jordan.

* Enters the building to James Brown's "Living in America," but dressed as Ivan Drago.

* Is fed grapes during the entire broadcast by a gaggle of Russian supermodels.

* Pretends he's drunk so that everyone will leave once he realizes that he's face-to-face with Rasaghul, who is not dead and is actually his former trainer.

* Somehow drafts Andrei Kirilenko.

* When the Nets' number pops up, he walks to the machine, grabs the ping pong ball, crushes it in his hand and says "I don't need your ping pong ball."

* Throws on Spies Like Us hat and does shot of 250-year-old potato vodka as soon as undead NBA executive Joel Litvin enters the room.

* Gets very emotional when his pet Siberian tiger is prohibited from entering the building:  "I'm sorry, Ruble, but you must wait in the Aston Martin," he whispers in the tiger's ear.  "Don't worry, I will be with you shortly."

* Announces boxing legend Soda Popinski as one of many celebrities to have already purchased a suite for the Nets upcoming season at The Rock in Newark.

* Celebrates Nets getting No. 1 pick by performing dizzying jet ski trick off some stripper's cleavage.

5 Comments

  1. Paolo X

    May 18, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Solid stuff but you really messed up on one item for which I have to call a major violation Hernia. :(

    A Rasputin reference would have been good too. 😀

    Much like any real Southerner for sake of grits that are not instant, any one in Philly for sake of philly steak, any Texan for real BBQ or chili, and any Italian for real Italian food or food in general and never a packaged dinner, no real Russian would drink POTATO vodka.

    The Russian stuff is grain-based, and the potato stuff from other countries usually for them and for too many Americans and others who don’t know fine vodka anyway like a whole lot of other Russian fakes like Smirnoff.

    Now go apologise to him with a bottle of Stoli Elite or even better a smuggled actual Russian one through one of your Manhattan connections up there: http://www.russianvodka.com/russian_vodkas.htm

  2. underdoglion90

    May 18, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    Hahaha golden! Ironic they were all gunning for John WALL when talking about a Russian owner, if they do somehow land him they should advertise him in Russia as the new Iron Curtain or the Berlin Wall.

  3. Enduro

    May 19, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Awesome! I get home from 3 days logged off and this is what awaits me. Oh, it’s good to be home Hernia!

  4. tamtam

    May 19, 2010 at 1:55 am

    You know that REAL Russian vodka is brewed in people’s basements in illegal stills, right?

    Good luck drinking that rocket fuel!

  5. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    May 20, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Just awesome. The ‘Spies like us’ reference is my fav. Damn I am aging

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