Sports Hernia Blog

Roethlisberger pins behavior on giant clock in London

Big-Ben-channeling-Lex-LugerBen Roethlisberger told Pittsburgh TV stations yesterday that he got "caught up in being a caricature called Big Ben" and was no longer the grounded player and person he once was.  This caricature, which would no doubt land a prime spot in our Caricature T-Shirt Series, is precisely what led to his off the field raping issues, as well as his gray penis.

"You guys have to understand, I literally thought I was London's giant clock tower for an extended period of time," Roethlisberger said.  "A clock that everyone wanted to see exposed and whose hands were big enough and powerful enough to grope anything it wanted."

The remorseful Roethlisberger revealed the news to reporters in a tearfully prepared statement – and also in a wavering Cockney accent that sounded more Australian than anything – that he truly thought he was the world's largest four-faced chiming clock.

"I stand before you today, not 316-feet tall, but just 6-feet, 5-inches tall, and tell you that, yes, I blame my actions on the fact that I thought I was a 150-year-old British free-standing clock tower," he said.

"Honestly, I even think I saw the Griswolds driving around me for like a whole day.  Even today, I can't hear something chime without my gray nuts tingling a bit."

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