Sports Hernia Blog

Madden ’11 Secrets Finally Revealed

Madden1990 We do this every year.  We do it for the gamers.  We do it because we care.  It is time.

– When using the Cincinnati Bengals, press "Left, Right, Up, Up R2, D2" to turn T.O. and Ochocinco into Siegfried and Roy.  Press L2 again if you want them to be attacked by an actual Bengal.

– If you're using the Ravens, hold down every button on your controller to activate Donte Stallworth's car and just drive through the defense with reckless abandon.  Special bonus level allows Rae Carruth to pop out of the trunk and puts Raw Lewis at the scene.

– Bag your own groceries while speaking Dutch to unlock the all-new "Kurt Christ mode," where an image of a bearded Kurt Warner dressed in robes floats over Matt Leinart and shakes his head in disappointment.

– Left, Right, Up, Down, Down, Down when using the Broncos makes Tim Tebow grow devil horns and a tail.

– Playing with a woody forces Antonio Cromartie to go into Alimony Mode where he is forced to play in the UFL, CFL, Minor League Arena and the WWE.

– Up, Up, L1+R2, Down – using Colts – unlocks Peyton Manning, the affable spokesman, instead of Peyton Manning, the boring QB.

– Play with the Browns in "Franchise Legends" mode and Madden '11 immediately turns into Burger Time.

– The Create-a-Player Mode feature now allows the user to choose from a vast array of unique character traits such as arrestability and rapeability.

– New QB Training Mode literally sends a naked Jon Gruden to your house to go over game film.

– Do nothing and you'll likely see a Nutrisystem commercial.

– Unlocking "Die In a Fire" mode allows you to choose from a list of inept, slobbering announcers such as Bill Maas, Paul McGuire, Matt Millen and a bunch of other fat guys.

– New wireless audio setup now makes talking to 12-year old virgins about your girlfriend in Canada even easier when playing online.

– Wearing nothing but a pair of Crocs while playing with the Vikings automatically sends a cell phone pic of your wang to a brunette with a bulbous rack.

– When playing against the Jets, activate the cast of Rampage with both 'L' buttons so you can wreck shit with Fireman Ed.

– New ultra-realistic Coaching Mode lets you create your own playbook from scratch, hire assistant coaches, draft your own players, study countless hours of game-film, ignore your wife and children, gain an obscene amount of weight, and dress like a slob seven days a week.  If you do all of this, you might very well finish 9-7.

– Big Ben Mode: Up, Down, Left, Right, L1 while using the Steelers unleashes Big Ben's little Ben, forcing him to play the remainder of the game with Mr. Gray sticking out of his uniform.  Not recommended.

– When using the Raiders, hold down all buttons during halftime to activate "Knife Fight In-the-Stands" mode.

– Intense Competition!  Get within one game of an undefeated season and Mercury Morris of the '72 Dolphins will come to your house and shit on your controller while you play.

– Spill beer all over your game console to unlock Philadelphia's special drunk tank all-star team.

– Link scores and highlights to your Facebook and Twitter accounts to show everyone just what a pathetic, lonely, assclown you are.

– Play naked for a free Wendy's hamburger, delivered to you by former Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen.

– Sit on your controller and your WR will date a Kardashian.

– New age discrimination mode: When user's entered date of birth is over 40, system shuts down, transforms into a cannon, and immediately shoots said user into a forgotten sea.

Helpful hints:

– If you are upset your favorite player isn't on the cover of Madden, please rape yourself.

– If you waited in line to buy Madden '11, please FedEx your balls to Guatemala.


Click HERE for Madden '08 Features

Click HERE for Madden '09 Features

Click HERE for Madden '10 Features


  1. Marv

    August 27, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    Always a classic

  2. s1rweeze

    August 27, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Friggin hilarious

  3. adam

    August 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    weak sauce

  4. TheSportsHernia

    August 27, 2010 at 3:33 pm


  5. Tim

    August 27, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    I love it! I applaud this article!

  6. Jonathan Bentz

    August 28, 2010 at 12:05 am

    Well played sir. Should have subtitled this post “haters for gamers” or something like that.

  7. Video Klip ?zle

    August 28, 2010 at 10:34 am

  8. Power Play In My Pants

    August 28, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Since it’s too soon to do 2011, could you guys recap from Madden 2007 backwards? Either that, or a new Sports Hernia Show. Shit, why not both?

  9. hernia

    September 3, 2010 at 3:49 am

    How is is hernia now?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *