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Fat is the real loser as NFL lockout ends
- Updated: July 26, 2011
The NFL lockout officially ended Monday, handing Fat a huge setback now that athletes will be required to return to weight rooms. "This decision is a big loss for Fat everywhere," a clearly shaken Fat said Monday inside its headquarters at a local CiCi's Pizza Buffet. "We were making great gains with a number of players across the league, and now this."
Despite the announcement, Fat has been enjoying huge success of late, demonstrated by last week's release of CDC figures that further illustrated how America is increasingly composed of fatty fat, fat fucking fucks.
"I know that I shouldn't be complaining, given the coup we scored last season with Albert Haynesworth and the N.Y. Jets literally eating McDonald's on the field during a scrimmage on 'Hard Knocks,'" Fat said. "But what can I say? I'm a greedy Fat slob-of-a-fuck. I want it all."
Fat noted that there was a stretched silver lining on this obese cloud, as countless Americans are guaranteed to stuff their enlarged gullets on Sundays with fried foods and beer now that the NFL season will return.
In related news, Hamstrings across the league breathed a collective gasp when the lockout ended, as many will no doubt be strained or snapped in the coming weeks and months. No official word has yet to be released by Heat Stroke.