Sports Hernia Blog

Reacquaint yourself with the great Rusty Hardin

With the misfortune of having Roger Clemens back in the news for the same thing he was in the news for a couple years ago, we could not resist reposting this profile of Rusty Hardin which originally ran back in February of 2008:


I know we're not alone here, so let's get to know the always gracefully yellow, Rusty Hardin.

  5'9" (6'8" when speaking from podium)

Weight:  7 cinder blocks

Hair:  Wooden

College:  Cliff Notes dipped in whiskey

Comparable person in sports:  Jerry Jones sans teeth whitening

Career changing moment:  When he won the job of becoming Clemens' lead lawyer after successfully writing an entire legal contract using only a baby back rib.

Career highlights/lowlights

  • First lawyer to wear hunting gear in courtroom.
  • First lawyer to offer whiskey to juror during closing arguments.
  • Once hid key evidence in his cleavage.
  • Was once sued by his own comb-over.
  • Successfully defended Yosemite Sam a whopping 456 times in court, among other high profile celebrity cartoon clients.
  • Made it to Hollywood on first American Idol with rousing rendition of "Are you ready for some football?"
  • Gained notoriety for successfully defending popular grocery chain Piggly Wiggly after they sold month old 'jumbo gulf shrimp as is', resulting in the disgusting diarrhea outbreak of '01.

Interesting facts

  • Invented the briefcase phone and still defiantly uses one.
  • Used to date Woody Paige.
  • Hates Erin Brockovich.
  • Sues himself when he's bored.
  • Owns 106 ties in various shades of urine.
  • Managed Buddy Garrity in the WWF from 1984-1989.
  • Chanted "Let. Them. Play!" at the Astrodome.
  • Drank what was left in that Miller Lite can McNamee submitted to Congress.
  • Commonly mistakes own teeth for pieces of corn.
  • A picture of his nose hangs at the Blarney Stone in Manhattan.
  • When he speaks, cartoon characters like the Gazoo scurry out of his mouth.
  • Puts Br?tt cologne on his sandwiches.
  • Loudly chants "Rus-tee, Rus-tee, Rus-tee!" when he wakes up every morning.
  • Named two of his Nicotine draped teeth, Bo and Bice.
  • Thinks DNA is just another small time wrestling circuit.
  • Watches highlight reel of Ric Flair interviews before delivering opening statements.
  • Commonly asked by people if he's related to Mr. Furley.
  • Uses scotch as salad dressing.
  • Many members of his entourage are southern leprechauns.
  • Drives a 75-foot 1979 yellow Cadillac that features an entire skeleton of a buffalo as a hood ornament.
  • His house is even yellow.


  1. Paolo X

    July 9, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Wow! What a compilation of “All Things Yellow” for this heavily educated hilljack!

    Other items of honourable mention could include various references and innuendos associated with any of the following:

    1) 1970s ABC Sports
    2) 1980s Century 21 Realty
    3) A yellow-stained old Carte Blanche Remains His Primary Credit Card
    4) Co-Wrote “Her Teeth Were Stained But Her Heart Was Pure” one night whilst sipping some Old Grandad with a friend on his porch:
    5) Hi initial success included Country Time Lemonade
    6) Plans to donate his yellow-stained and toned appliance collection on his porch in a museum some day

  2. TheSportsHernia

    July 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    HA! Awesome additions.

  3. Andy

    July 11, 2011 at 3:54 am

    article that appeared good enough to be read so that adds to knowledge when reading

  4. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    July 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Murdered his brother-in-law Jimmy in cold blood while playing Clue simply because Jimmy claimed Col. Mustard as his character before Rusty could get him

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