Sports Hernia Blog

The ‘Big Noodle’ at Wrigley is a trailblazer

The Big Noodle Final

Kraft Foods recently erected the new “Big Noodle” outside of Wrigley Field — a statue that looks like a giant macaroni noodle topped with cheese and bacon pieces, which emits the smell of fried pork belly every 10 minutes to 15 minutes on game days (we’re serious).  While the structure partly serves as an ad for a new Kraft product, it mostly just bolsters stereotypes of Chicagoans as a bunch of cheese-eating, meat byproduct-guzzling hairy rubes.  

Not to be outdone, corporations and ballpark owners across the Majors are scrambling to build their own appropriately awful, city-centric structures.  Here are statues already in the works:

?   Padres: Giant fish taco that emits the smell of mahi-mahi
?   Mariners:  A homeless burnt coffee bean with a soul patch that emits patchouli 
?   Reds: Big Grippo’s chip that farts chili 
?   Brewers: A cheese curd eating a giant brat 
?   Yankees: Fried vomit emitting the smell of a standard New York subway 
?   Red Sox: A monument of a giant restraining order
?   Blue Jays: A statue of tour-de-talent Dave Coulier
?   Pirates: A sandwich with fries on it, being held up by an imaginary fan
?   Orioles: A statue of Bubs that emits a smell of crack-cocaine
?   Dodgers: Mexican black market saline implant bags
?   Rockies: A ‘tasty gnarly nug’ that emits the smell of kind bud every day at 4:20
?   Rays: A statue of an Oxycontin pill that emits the smell of poppy fields and white trash, and plays an endless loop of Creed’s greatest hits
?   Royals – A statue of George Brett that screams profanities, spits tobacco and gooses a hooters waitresses
?   Rangers: A monument dedicated to the electric chair that emits the smell of burnt flesh
?   Tigers: An abandoned building that smells like burnt oil
?   Astros: A poorly planned strip mall that emits the smell of fat sweat
?   Phillies: A statue of a Cheesesteak punching a toddler in the face
?   Marlins: A douchebag that emits a mix of tanning oil and bullshit while happily wearing a pair of Uggs
?   Mets: Giant Ponzi pyramid that emits the sounds of investors crying everyday at 4 pm
?   White Sox: A statute of fans kicking the shit out of a first base coach that emits the odor of Stetson and Winstons
[Photo via Crains Chicago]

 

10 Comments

  1. Paolo X

    April 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

    “While the structure partly serves as an ad for a new Kraft product, it mostly just bolsters stereotypes of Chicagoans as a bunch of cheese-eating, meat byproduct-guzzling hairy rubes.”

    Great phrase and great work!

    To how many towns and sections of fans across sports could the description above apply? This is also at least 90% of Wal-Mart shoppers.

    Also it’s Tampa Bay Rays — the name was changed years ago. They have to be moved before too long anyway, as they are a zombie business. Steinbrenner already took the best piece of land across from Raymond James Stadium for his namesake field.

  2. tamtam

    April 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Could be worse-they could have put a huge mountain of goat shit right at the corner of Addison and Western, smack-dab in front of the Wrigley Field marquis

  3. Marv

    April 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    *Addison and Clark

  4. BRETTWHUDSON@GMAIL.COM

    April 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE IS A PIECE OF SHIT…

    “Tigers: An abandoned building that smells like burnt oil”

    GO FUCK YOURSELF..

    HERE IS MY EMAIL AND TELE NUMBER..CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT

    248 721 1056

  5. TimmyHands

    April 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Brett,

    Relax. I can hear your veins popping from here. And no one is going to contact you, especially not on the off-chance you are a date rapist.

    Thanks!

  6. Paolo X

    April 20, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Let alone he’s from Detroit for that matter. Go buy yourself a gallon of prune juice Brett and then go fuck yourself too.

  7. Brett Hudson

    May 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Please stop impersonating me on the internet, I know who this is and if you continue to slander me I will be forced to take legal action

    you can contact my lawyer at

    313.465.7618

  8. Brett Hudson

    May 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Please stop impersonating me on the internet, I know who this is and if you continue to slander me I will be forced to take legal action

    you can contact my lawyer at

    313.465.7618

  9. tamtam

    May 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Agreed!

    Maybe add an enema to that gallon of prune juice for extra fast results

  10. hernia mesh patch lawsuit

    May 8, 2012 at 6:51 am

    And what does the trail blazer mean on this?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>