- Ode To Grantland
- Cris Collinsworth Has Actually ‘Seen Everything’
- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly Argues Over An Eggplant, A Peach And A Smiley Face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Updated: June 22, 2015
First it was Patrick Willis. Then 26-year-old Jake Locker. Then came the announcement that Chris Borland, age 24, was hanging it up. Now, in the latest string of early retirements in the National Football League, Johnny Manziel said he was retiring The Money Sign.
Last week’s announcement came as a total surprise to the sports’ world, as various former and current pro sport celebrations weighed in on the topic.
“This is a total shock,” hall of famer Point To The Sky said. “I can’t believe he retired at such an early age.”
But like Willis, Locker and Borland, the retirement of The Money Sign reminds us all how short and potentially dangerous the lifespan of an athlete can be. At this point, post-retirement struggles are well-documented, which is why many say they are getting out early. Cautionary tales include Mertin Hanks’ Chicken Dance, which is now bound to an electric scooter and hosting karaoke night at a dive bar in Santa Rosa, California, and Joe Horn’s infamous Cell Phone Celebration, found dead in a hotel off of Bourbon Street due to apparent suicide in 2011.
It’s not just NFL celebrations either. We tracked down the Tiger Woods Fist Pump, who has been living quietly in a modest trailer located somewhere in Florida.
“Well, I am not officially retired, but I have a lot of time on my hands these days,” Fist Pump said while sipping on some Thunderbird. “I have been dying to get back in the game, but fucking Tiger, man, the dude is killing me… An 85? He shot a fucking 85 the other day! Such an asshole.”
When reached for comment, Brandi Chastain’s Topless Celebration took a very brief break from her shift management position at a Henderson, Nevada Twin Peaks to say, “Fuck off and go write another puff piece about Hope Solo.”
There are a few happy endings, however. Probably the two making the most in their post-retirement lives are the Mutombo Finger Wave and the Icky Shuffle, thanks to Geico, which has included them in one of its 324 ad campaigns.
“You can’t keep a good dance down,” said the Shuffle, which is experiencing an almost Betty White revival despite battling an insatiable Funyon addiction. “I am BACK BABY!”